passions

The Top 5 Non-Negotiables Before You Put on That Ring

Hello, bling-bling!

“If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,” so chants the ravishing Ms. Knowles, BUT ladies, get a grip. No amount of booty-shaking is going to change the fact that relationships are as much our responsibility as it is the men’s. Neither will it lower the likelihood of both sexes cheating on their partners long after they say, “I do.” We’re still the ones who respond with “Yes.” Yes, 8:00 o’clock would be good. Yes, you may come upstairs. Yes, I will marry you. So, let’s get rid of the Victim Mentality and just call the “pea tea party” off (Pity party? Got it? Okay, that was cheesy).

According to the infidelity statistics, “about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage” (Monogamy Myth, Therapist Peggy Vaugn), and this doesn’t even include the I-almost-pulled-it-off cases yet. What can we do about it? Let’s take ownership of the circumstances and consider HOW WE CAN BE THE 40% THAT DOESN’T GET CHEATED ON AND THE 60% THAT WON’T CHEAT.

 

"It's not what you think!"

 

Getting to the root of the problem, experts say that there’s only one core explanation why men and women find themselves in affairs: THEY WEREN’T MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PERSON. (Yeah, they’ re experts. Really!) I know it sounds too simplistic to the point of absurdity. However, if you think of DETERMINING WHO THE RIGHT PERSON IS based on the following 5 factors, it’ll make a lot more sense:

1. SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY

 

The infamous, sinful Yawn

 

Okay, don’t leave this page yet. I don’t want to get all religious either, but we’re not just talking about interfaith dating, such as Christian-Muslim couples or what-not. It’s a matter of common sense: differences in value systems and beliefs, such as how you’re going to raise children or what your views on money are, are going to bring a lot of trouble. Yet, there can still be spiritual incompatibility even between couples who share the same faith (or “religion,” if that’s how you want to call it). How? If one of you is less passionate about your faith, then either of you will not really understand why you need to consult the Bible before making certain decisions, why you want to spend that much time counseling a troubled youngster when you can go on a road trip instead, why you need to put in 10% of your household income into the offering basket (BABE! My 10% is worth a month’s gas allowance!!! What were you thinking?), and so forth.

2. CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY

Is the person you’re dating now someone whose integrity is unquestionable? Does he think, “Oh, little lie is just that–tiny and therefore justifiable”? We’ve all been lied to at one point or another, so I won’t dwell so much on this. I’m sure you get the idea.

3. EMOTIONAL COMPATIBILITY

 

Eat your heart out, Julia Roberts!

Eat your heart out, Julia Roberts!

 

Do you level when you get into “life talks”? Do you even have one? Do you think his little jealousy fits are cute? Can you recall a particular situation during your relationship that you had a lot of fun AND had even more profound discussions? How does he hold up in a problematic situation? Here’s the stinger: At one point, has this thought–“Being in love with me will change him”–ever crossed your mind? Uh-oh. Step out of the stilettos and put on your running shoes, gurl! And don’t look back.

4. COMMUNICATION COMPATIBILITY

 

Aw.... That is just so sweet!

 

Are you the type of woman who requires a Why answer to a Yes-or-No question, and is he the man who adds in “because…” without prompting? Do you expect a smiley 🙂 at the end of a text message and get it? Do you give him the answers that are true for you even if you know he’s not going to like it? If you answered YES to these questions, oh well, good for you. Not a lot of women are that lucky.

5. PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

Oh, I’m sorry for being honest, but if you plan on waking up next to that man… every morning… for the rest of your life, then you better find him attractive and sexy. Otherwise, either of you will soon be looking where you shouldn’t be looking. Eventually, you’ll be doing more than “just looking.”

Now, here’s the harsh truth. Unless you’re seeing ALL 5 factors–yeah, as in all F-I-V-E– ticked on your checklist, the answer to “Will you marry me?” MUST BE “NO.” You shouldn’t even be dating the guy in the first place. It’s not fair for both of you. So, if you still want to have a go at it, well, the best of luck to you. And don’t worry, I’ll leave some hot water for your pea tea party later, just in case.
***This blog entry was inspired by the message of Pastor Jentezen Franklin, “Is Marriage Still A Good Idea?” (Yup, church doesn’t have to be all spiritual and boring. It strikes a balance between the spiritual and the practical.)

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5 thoughts on “The Top 5 Non-Negotiables Before You Put on That Ring

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention The Top 5 Non-Negotiables Before You Put on That Ring « Gone Gaga in the City -- Topsy.com

  2. Interesting. Like all your other articles. Easy to say, hard to do. But thinking about relationships after the “all hormones” aka infatuation stage the questions you pose should be imperative on couples.

    Chit chat with you sometime soon!

    • @sleeptalker Wow. So great to have Your Gorgeousness visit my blog. 😉 Thanks! I agree with you a 100% on “easy to say, hard to do,” but it’s doable, right? I liked the fact that Pastor Jentezen Franklin mentioned physical attractiveness and chemistry as non-negotiable factors. Sometimes, being a Christian makes me feel guilty about liking the better-looking guys HAHAHAHA. I once thought that it would be superficial of me to think: Can’t I have both chemistry and “Mr. Right” qualities?

  3. I agree with the spiritual incompatibility —but on the differences level , not on the passion level. You see my husband was born of both Christian parents, but different denominations. The father is a Protestant, and the mother is Catholic. Because, according to my husband, his parents didn’t go to church due to their indecisiveness which church to go and what religion to impart to their children, they ended up with kids not knowing about God.
    But because my husband is still a Christian by name and is interested to know more about God, though his passion is lesser in degree compared to mine, I was able to inspire and influence him to believe in my faith—which is evangelical Christianity (non-denominational). And as a result , he became renewed with the Holy Spirit, serving God and seeking God all the time.
    But I don’t think physical differences matter. I know a lot of physically attractive people who married physically unattractive spouses who are so happy, blissful and contented celebrating years and years of married lives. “Looking” is not about incompatibility—it’s plunging into temptation. Of course, there is always temptation, but acting upon it is sin. Besides, if you’re “looking” and “acting out that temptation” you’re probably not committed, and didn’t love your spouse in the first place.

    • OMG. The Bingkee of ILHA? I’m a fan of I Love-Hate America, so it is an honor to have you post a comment on my blog. Thanks for being generous enough to share a part of your self in your comment. I’m also a non-denominational Christian, and I feel that we can’t really say whether your husband’s spiritual passion is indeed “lesser in degree” compared to yours. For someone who ended up “not knowing about God,” it already takes a lot of passion to be “interested to know more about God.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that both of you may have similar degrees of spiritual passion, but you express them differently. The best part is that your testimony inspired him even more to seek and serve God. 🙂 Now, if a couple coming from the same denomination had different levels of passion, then that would be a different story.

      As for physical compatibility, I didn’t mean that the couple has to be both physically attractive. What Ptr. Jentezen was saying is that you both have to find each other attractive. For example, you mentioned that you “know a lot of physically attractive people who married physically unattractive spouses who are so happy, blissful and contented celebrating years and years of married lives. ” That may be because they found their partners attractive even though their partners may have been physically unattractive to other people. Anyway, here’s the part that I have to agree with you 100%:

      “There is always temptation, but acting upon it is sin. Besides, if you’re “looking” and “acting out that temptation” you’re probably not committed, and didn’t love your spouse in the first place.”

      I hope you visit again soon, although I haven’t been blogging recently. 😦

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